Out of reality

A place to escape the undeniable truth could be simple. They could be found somewhere nearest. A place where you can find others sitting around minding their own business while you can mind your own. They are strangers, yet you feel very comfortable with. Because without their noise, the world is soundless, the world evolve only in your head. You could be sitting with your only self, or with a creature you have been close with, close friend or friends. A coffee shop, yes. I would give a big fat YES. There could also be a bunch of stuffs you like too in term of foods or drinks. Even if it is a bit overpriced, trust me, it could be worth your smile as you get something you like into your stomach. A distraction from the thing you are enduring about. Staying in a cafe would not let you forever escape the reality, but oh well, at least for some times. For some 3 or 4 hours without staying in your room and lay there being down all the moment. Out of reality, you can find yourself being in the middle of everyone. You can actually get yourself out of that thought. You can actually use your time to do other things. I don't know the magic of this place but it works that way for real. Or maybe it is even better if you can drag someone to sit there with you and be silent all the time or have the patience and understanding enough to listen to every mixed up shit you talk out of your mind. It works that way. I found myself spending my time these days at coffee shops. That is the only way to get myself out of the blue. The blue I have when I'm alone. I guess that's it.

A broken soul

Pouring down a glass of cold water in hope to calm the very burning fire inside me. As I sip the coldness into my body, a flicker of reflection appeared. I went out of mind.

The bed I used to sleep in comfortably with a smile, is where I store my tears, where I wake up crying, where I find it hard to even close my eyes, where every sleeping positions cannot make me fall asleep, where I sleep for 3 hours everyday because I overthink.

I used to like foods, too. But not anymore. Or is it because my taste bud changed. I barely taste anything. Even if it looks so pleasing, it becomes tasteless in my mouth. I eat the best I could but it's still small. I can't even get anything more into my stomach.

I'm lost. I couldn't even focus on anything. I went to school just for attendance. I missed deadlines. I don't understand assignments. I ignore my work.

I'm dying inside. I messed things up. In hope it will get better. Waiting for your reply has became my habit. How you treat me affect my mood. If it's good, I can smile. If it's bad, it's what I have written above.

I don't know how to decide. It's a fight between my brain and heart. People are calling me stupid and have already stopped caring about me.

It's been a week. And I hope it will end soon.

That was a year ago.

That was a year ago. A year ago, on this day I did something I would not forget for my entire life. Something that has been at the back of my mind for the whole god damn year. I went out of my comfort zone, jumped on a plane, and ended up in Europe. 

I was leaving for Warsaw for my exchange through Erasmus, one of the most wanted scholarships among Cambodian students. 

As I got ready for my flight, my mom appeared as she was not letting me take this journey. Things got chaotic between me and my mom, even in front of my relatives and friends. I still got to go at the end, though. I landed in Warsaw at midnight and got dropped off at my dorm. I could not sleep. I cried till it was dawn. 

My days in Warsaw were not that great. I was out of mind most of the time thanks to all the feelings I caught thinking of home. I was mostly on phone call even I was walking to school, shopping to settle down, eating, or even sleeping. My mom, my aunt in Paris, my boyfriend, or my friends. I could not eat much either. I did not even feel good about my classmates there or to simplify, European youngsters. (thanks to my stereotype). I was in a terrible homesick that I had breakdowns many times in just a few days.

I ended up in Paris visiting my aunt before school start. I was in Paris for 3 weeks, more than I planned. Things got more chaotic when my mom has my aunt over me. That was when I decided to come back home. All because of the pressure I felt. I lost my motivations. I lost my desires. I need home. My mom wanted me back. I messed things up. The head of my department got involved. Things got messier. I bought the ticket home. That was a year ago. 

That was a year ago. But it's still in my head.

Warsaw City Center. Pictured by me.

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Dear You

14 July 2016

"I get bored of things easily" I told myself, my friend, people around me, and you. I do get bored of things very easily, but not you. I didn't expect us to last this long. I didn't expect to not get bored of you. I didn't expect to get this obsessed with you. I didn't expect you to stick up with me this long.

Thank you. To be honest, I was pretty scared at first that you would only bring me down and leave after a short moment. But here we are, after all the fights, argument, flood and storm and droughts I created. Thank you for staying by even if it takes all your efforts and patiences to deal with a person like me.

Coming from two far different worlds, yet we manage to create a connecting bond between them. All things have been very blessing. All the meals, all the drinks, all the movies, all the hang around, all the staying over, all the fight, all the talk, all the things to be counted.

Happy Anniversary. Finally, I can get to say this word. After all these time beings, it has been a year now, 366 days to be exact. Thank you for everything, every thing, every moment, every smile, every tear drop, every madness, every phone call, every text, everything, basically. Thanks to all the circumstances that push everything this way till this day. I also want to tell you that if you are with me, I am ready to take on and continue the journey with you.

I love you. I hate you. I love you.
Muah, xoxo.
Me.

A recent drop in life

It's been a while now since I last felt important. It seems I really want to write it all down here, but no one would understand me anyway. What I meant to say is that I just feel useless.

A few months ago, I was walking with my head and chin up being proud of myself. Being proud of my achievement, a scholarship and other important things in my CV. I was so deep inside the horizon and I did not even look up to something more than that. Something more than I was, when I had the chance to go further. I was so full of myself and that is all I know and remember.

Throwing back to the time I dropped my scholarship because of my stupid emotion and family disagreement, I came back home DEPRESSED. For one full month until I decided to get the hang over it and get a life. Things go on as it supposed to. Days went by and I only have to go to school 3 hours a day while I quit every social activities I used to do. Except from the other programs that I applied for and failed 4 to 5 times, I did not apply for anything beneficial for my life.

And now, I have added another line to my CV "an internship". Mom had been nagging that I am useless for not making anything, money or something useful. So then, I sought for this part-time internship. Thinking that using my morning time to do this job and learn outside school would be useful, I ended up comparing myself to someone staying way higher than me. The human greed and evil inside me just do not stop comparing my own self with other people in the field and place me under peer pressure. I CRAVE for what they have. I got jealous of their lives.

And here I am again, depressed and still feel useless.