At 21

Being at 21, it’s either people think that you’re old enough or that you still have more time.

At 21, either you’re forced to take responsibility or you’re allowed to go after your passion.

Me at 21, I’m not there yet.

Sorry Mom, sorry Dad, I’m just not there yet.

At 21, I’m not what you expected to be and not even what I expect myself to be.

At 21, I’m lost and broken.

At 21, I took crappy jobs and always get myself on the go.

At 21, I torture myself with anxiety, depression, and overthinking.

At 21, what is left for 22?

But, what now?

What now?  Asked by an indecisive person to himself.

What now? Confused. Graduated and confused. Brokenhearted and confused.

What now? What’s your next step in life? How to decide?

Let fate decides.

But no, I must decide, but how?

When a person reached a mid life goal, he would question everything he has gone through.

I hope

I wish we didn’t meet.

I wish I didn’t know you.

I wish I didn’t fall.

I wish I knew what was coming.

I wish I were prepared.

I wish I were mature enough.

I wish I knew you better.

I wish we didn’t cross.

I wish you would choose to stay.

I wish you didn’t change just for me but for yourself

I hope you’re happy.

I hope you won’t change.

I hope you stay the better version of you like you promised.

I hope you won’t flirt around.

I hope you won’t cheat.

I hope you won’t do anything stupid again.

I hope you won’t break another heart like mine.

something is gone

i used to believe in true love. rainbow. cupid. sweet things. background music. and all that. i used to believe that he was the one. because what we have been through would be legitimate enough to prove me that he loves me. but who am i to know? maybe i was wrong. maybe it doesnt work like that. maybe while i was thinking that he is committed, his love fades. i used to believe that this relationship is about the other side coming to love us. care. protect. but maybe i was wrong too. i didnt realize that it was about 2 people. to me, when i get into someone, i tend to put all my efforts and commitments. i tend to believe that it would last forever. it tend to believe that no matter what happens, it is still us. never have i thought that my actions everyday would make his love for me fades this much. or maybe it's his definition of love and limitation? i dont know. i didnt know that i could be this dangerous. that dangerous when i thought i was doing well in the relationship and that i made him believe enough that i would not go anywhere and i've settled down for him. maybe it's just a part of nature or maybe it's just that our definitions of love are different?

The End of the Beginning

Hey, it’s been a while and a wild past 2 months.

I’ve made it to the step, which I was always reluctant to take. A step that has been the most adult-est in my life. Taking job as a full time intern, staying out, studying at night, going wild, and being anxious, these have been the most enjoyable yet productive ride.

These past 2 month taught me a lot on how being a human is not only just about staying at home, go to school, and get your heart broken. As a person, you have that ability to actually set how your daily life has to look like. Mine? My intern squad would not leave me a day without all the fun, the jokes, the burns, and the failed joke attempts. My time at school has also been improved. This supposed-to-be-tiring evening class has all the energy to keep most of the sessions entertaining. 

I would say it’s been quite enjoyable beside all the scars inside me that I’ve been trying to deal with. I also found myself fascinated by new places. Just like they say, traveling heals. It would free you from what you've been contained by. I went to two new places in two months. I found myself. Free of from the negativities.

But not all things forever. In 3 week I will be finishing school. In 7 weeks I will be finishing my internship. In these weeks, it also means I will be seeing my friends lesser and lesser.

My eagerness to start the new chapter of life is quite strong too. I can’t wait to see how my post-graduation life would be. But for now, I haven’t figured out yet on what to take.