hello 26

if 26 is just a number up from 25 but why does it feel like i’m a decade older? it is a tad over a quarter of a century where i feel like i have my whole life in front of me to figure out at this time. but well, hello 26. 

life in the last few months of 25 has been quite hectic and stressful. it's like it's not just giving a lemon by handing it but instead by shooting them out of a pitching machine right at me. and not a single day gone by is the same as any other day before. at this point, the only thing certain is uncertainty. the only thing constant is inconsistency. but it is what it is. life is life. c’est la vie. 

but 25 was a whole other experience i could never thought i could do. i could never write it out in a blog. it was a wild ride but worthwhile. the year itself has been rewarding and i have learned so much about everything and everyone around me and especially me myself. it was a year of me testing my capability and adapt and grow. 

i guess writing this at the back of a bus near regent street isn’t something i could do everyday. i can’t be more thankful for everyone in this journey so far. dear everyone, i cannot wait to be home with you all. 💞

It’s not a dream, but a reality that you wish for.

It’s the 30th and hey - I’ve been here for over a month now. On my own and the longest I have ever since I started venturing to study abroad. Maybe it’s time to reflect back on some reality check? 

Getting education and living abroad is one of those dreams that people aim for. Everyone wants that, right? Aside from all the good things to yourself, you also get the validation from the people around you and the society in general. 

But it’s not as easy as packing your bags and live happily ever after. The painful selection process is only the beginning. And when you land on a different land, that’s when the dream is kicked out of you and the new reality hits. 

In this new realm of reality, everything is not just 180 degree twisted. It is 360 degree twisted. It’s literally everything around you. It's a new life we are talking about here. If we look back to it, it wasn’t really a dream that you wished for. It was more of an alternative reality you wished for and it has now come true.

But if a new reality also means a new me, I guess I'm also liking a new me, too. He's another person I never thought I could pull off. The journey is long and it's only the beginning. Here's for more to come. :)

Dear 2015 me, you can finally do it.

It has been 20 days since I packed my bag, left home, and flew during a pandemic to come to London. 20 exhaustive, hectic, demanding, happy and sad days. Nevertheless, it is still 20 days that I am on my own.   

Throwing back to exactly 6 years ago, I would be in contrast. I was packing my bag and flew home from Paris because I couldn’t handle to be on my own as I was supposed to do a semester exchange in Warsaw, Poland. “Just come back home. I am so dizzy because of you” said my mom. I guess I was too young to actually know what I signed up for.   

But it has been 20 days now that I am on my own, even though it is 6 years later. But I believe I can really do it this time. I’m going to make not just my friends and family, but also myself, proud of my strength, my independence, and my new achievements.   

Special shout-out to my boyfriend who has always been there for me since day 1 and for my family who has always supported me in a lot of ways I could never count. Thank you.

What if it is all just wishful thinking?

What if the good day never came?

What if temporary is forever?

What if the downfall is continuous?

What if it will never get better?

What if nothing is real?

What if it is just gonna get worse?

What if this is going to be my life?

Thank you 4.5

Thank you

Thank you

Thank you for all your love

Thank you for all your care

Thank you for all your attention

Thank you for all your effort these past few years

Thank you for all the moment

Thank you for the comfort

Thank you for the tolerance

Thank you for the happiness

Thank you for all things rainbow and butterfly in the stomach

But also thank you for the every day fear

Thank you for the insecurity I needed to cope alone

Thank you for the anxiety and overthinking

Thank you for making me a fool a few times

Thank you for all the lies that I have to convince myself

Thank you for the uncertainties you gave

Thank you for all the suffer you put me through

Thank you for proving me that I can’t change a person even though I gave in everything

Thank you for proving me that I don’t deserve this

Thank you for leaving me a scar bigger than the one on my face

Last but not least, this is goodbye. I hope you won’t destroy the next person like this.

To the workplace unlike others

Have you ever been attached to any of your workplace very much that you wish you will never have to leave?  But life is a bitch. Nothing good comes forever. 

It was in 2017 when I got recommended by a senior of mine to join the best workplace I had; USAID Development Innovations project implemented by DAI Global. The project works on accelerating the use of ICT to enhance development works in Cambodia through many means.

As my first experience working in the development world, I did not know what to expect and kept my expectation to what I’ve been told about CSOs. However, my experience proved in contrast. I got spoiled by my workplace. Almost in every way. 

At DI, I get to do a lot more amazing things I have never thought I could. I was given the power to be creative. I give ideas. I lead my own task. And own my responsibilities. Other than my job, I was able to do a lot more to help DI improve Cambodia. 

2 years was totally in a blink of an eye. I will miss everything from the office. From the morning greeting when I walk into the office to the random sarcasms during work to the food crave at 4. I am very thankful to all the opportunities given by the place. All these couldnt have happened because of the awesome people inside. 

Thanks B Mesa for connecting me to the job. Thanks B Ty and B Thon for the process. Thanks B Bol for all the guidance. 

Thank you Leng for all the support and direction in the 1.5 year. Thanks Tiff for all the help. Thanks B Phat for all the design and artwork. And thanks B Leanghort and B Simeng for the technical support. 

Thank you B Setha for your great guidance. Thanks B Chan for all the advice and food. Thank you B Pork for always backing me up.

 Thanks to my workplace bestfriend Gechheang for all the mental and labor support. We have a lot more to share. Thanks Sreylen for the support for the last few months. 

Thank you team; Bong Samnang, Bong Thany, Foard, Chandy, Bong Phay, Bong Pounlok, Bong Vannarith, Kimly, Davuth, and Om Ny for making everything possible. 

Also thanks to my YIP squads, first batch, second batch, and third batch. You guys are the best!

Lastly, thanks to Bong Theavy and Kate. Without your support, mentorship, guidance, and encouragement from the back, I would not have today. Thank you, thank you, and thank you. 

These are the memories and values that I will be carrying next. 

I’m everything my family does not want me to be

Expectation. Everyone faces expectation. High or low, it just sets the standard to hurt one’s feeling if they are subjected to expectation.

Even worse, if you are from a typical Asian household, you might as well have felt the pressure and expectation since you’re very little. 

We’re trained to be a good child. To be a good student. To obey. To achieve. To be the best of all as they have envisioned. 

I’m none of them. Or at least to their expectation and definition of a good child. 

They wanted me to be an outstanding student. I’m just average.

They wanted me to study medicine. I went for politics. 

They wanted me to live abroad. I came back. 

They wanted me to run a business. I work for a living. 

They wanted me to get married. I’m not straight. 

They wanted me to follow them. I fight back. 

As much as I take pride in myself about what I have achieved so far, they are just not gonna be proud of me. And that’s just it. 

I’m just tired of fighting back for who I really am and what they should expect out of me and maybe it’s really time that I drop my dream and walk on their path. 

Someday, I’ll have the confidence to go to a coffee shop alone

“Someday, I’ll have the confidence to go to a coffee shop alone” I told myself. And I did it. I did it after a few years of confidence building. After a few years of being scared to just get out there and buy things and do things on my own.

I suffer from a tremendous lack of confidence ever since I began notice, probably at the age of 6.

I remember being scared just to go talk to the vendor. When I was around 6, my family was at an amusement park and I wanted to go play at the pop the balloon stall 10 meters away from my dad. I asked him to get me there but he insisted that I go alone. I didn’t get to go and went to play with my little brother instead. 

I remember one thing that might led to this. It was a few years before I was 6. One day during my kindergarten class it was raining hard and the students rushed to the store downstairs during recess. In that moment, I was pushed and fell on the muddy flooded floor.

Maybe it got stuck there. I remember at grade 4 I still could not go to the stores behind my building without my best friend. I would ask him to accompany every time. But maybe he got annoyed. He stopped saying yes after a few years. 

It was grade 8. I still could not go. I asked random people to help buy me things while I stay in class. But after a while, things changed and I started doing it on my own. Step by step. Little by little. 

Up until today, I’m still proud of how long I have come so far. And there are so much more negativities in life that I think I have managed to breakthrough. How about you? What kind of obstacle that you are proud to have overcame? 

Is It Time for My Priority Shift?

Everyone lives their lives to achieve different purposes. They have their own motives, agenda, and not to exclude priority to roll by. But over the different courses of our lives, the lists often change and it can eventually affect the life we’re living.

I used to put my leisure on top of everything else I have. It was fun, enjoyable, relaxing, escaping responsibilities and all. But there is always time when another thought run by and you change your whole principle.

But later when a crisis hit my family, I became aware that I only have one life and I owe it all to my parents and my family. My aunt’s shop was burglarized and she lost hundred thousand of wealth she worked hard for in the last ten years.

I came to realize that a person’s life could be very fragile that the ineffectiveness of their own government can affect their life so heavily and there is nothing we can do about it.

That is when I put everything aside and bring my family to my top priority.

But that’s not the only reason. My increased self-love, and me starting to accept the fact that something I have been trying hard for is not working out, led me to start prioritizing myself, my life, and my future.

You Lied and It Really Matters

They say action speaks louder than words. But I say, the words itself would pretty much describe the person whose mouth they came from. Either it’s positive or negative; words reflect who the speaker is.

Upon deciding to say something out of their mouth, a person would have to go through many deep thoughts and control their muscle contraction in order to speak it out. To put it simple, before saying things, a normal person has to do a lot of thinking.

But you lied. You spoke the non-fact.

All the thinking you would have to go through. The time you decide to open your mouth and speak it out. Or even text it. The selfish decision you made just to escape the truth. The worth you gave me below your selfish line. The manipulative actions you took. The unjust world you would bring to me.

It takes so much to make a lie. But do you ever wonder if lies destroy trust? Do you ever wonder that lies are imaginary knife stabbed on our mind? That the wounds are not easy to heal? That they’re scarring up our lives? No?

Do you ever know that when you lied, it really matters to us?