Cheating and the Science of Forgiving

After quite a while of sadness and devastation, getting back in your old relationship might sound like the best thing ever happen in your whole life. It’s the sweetest and most magical feeling you ever had.

But let’s get all things considered. Saying yes to a get back proposal does not make everything rainbow, musical, and a happily ever after. Especially when your significant other cheated on you. Here come the consequences. As from my experiences, three things you are going to endure with are:

Trust issue: cheating is never an accident. It’s a choice. And if you ever had someone cheated on you unexpectedly, trust me, it feels like your whole effort has been thrown on the ground and stepped on. The trust is gone. You are going to have a hard time trying to trust again. And along the way, let’s meet:

Paranoia: I don’t know how to exactly explain this word, but to me it is overthinking, overprotecting, and panicking. It’s the questions running around your head asking what if it happens again, what if you’re not preventing it enough, what if you’re not doing enough…

PTSD: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Trust me, this is the worst. You’ll find it hard to deal with when just a flicker of thought or something little reminds you of how your partner did it without even thinking of how you’d feel. Breaking down in tears is very common. But questioning everything from the start until this moment is way more exhausting because there is a battle inside you over the worth of your forgiveness. Is he worth it?

These are just some of the things I have encountered. Cheating, emotionally or physically, is wrong. If you can’t commit to anyone yet, don’t just destroy their faith in true love.

And trust me, if your significant other forgive you over your wrongdoing, you'd better appreciate them because you’ll never understand all the shit you’ve put them through. And when they say yes to your request, remember these hard feelings they have to endure.

J

What Happened To Loving Someone With All You Have?

Loving is an art. It’s how you express your interest over someone else to them. Loving can take variety of forms. But what’s known best is the kind of love fantasy that everyone is looking for, craving for, searching for, and could not be found. I just meant it does not come easy. You have to shape it, change it, and polish it, so that you can have a love of your satisfaction. True love is not found but made. At least, it was what I believed in. But my experiences so far tell a different story.

I’ve always believed in trying. No matter how hard it is, I have to try if I ever decide to love someone. But I guess trying itself has limitation. And the definition of limitation is also different for me and the other side.

I was in a committed relationship for two years and a half. In other word, I was in a one-side-committed relationship for two years and a half because everything changed when I started giving all of what I have into this relationship. I think it’s worth mentioning that he did put his effort too but only just to get me or to get back.

What really happened was that, I was waiting for a person to rightfully respect this relationship. To commit what he promised. I was waiting for him to change. And he did change. From good to worse.

What happened to planning a date on the weekend?
What happened to hanging out just to stay together?

What happened to communicating well between one another?

What happened to trying to understand each other?

What happened to showing that you care?

What happened to proving your love?

What happened to being committed?

What happened to your tolerance?

And what I just got myself to believe in after all these times is that he didn’t change a bit for this relationship. He’s still the way he is. Selfish. And that happens to almost every couple I know. That’s why it comes to the question, what happened to loving someone with all you have? Is it out of trend? Does it kill you to do so?

The End of Something Special

3:00AM and I’m up awake. I can’t sleep. I just keep waking up. All I know is that the back of my head and my chest hurt like there is something heavy inside.

I’ve lost something. Something that was once precious and special. The butterflies died. It was never excitement anymore but insecurity and over attachment.

I don’t know if it’s me or you, but we both are at the point where no one is capable enough to fix this broken relationship.

I’m just tired. Tired of trying one sided when you can’t even understand what you’ve put me through. I’m tired of trying to understand the wrong you do to me. I’m tired of convincing myself to believe your words even though your actions speak different. I’m tired of hearing your lies because over times I became so senseless.

I’m tired of overthinking, of being jealous, of having anxiety attack, of being overly attached, of being left unanswered, of asking about the same damn thing all over again.

It’s 3:30AM and I still don’t know what I’m up to anymore.

It’s been 3 years. You made me like this, but do you care?

មនុស្សក្នុងទូរស័ព្ទ

សាកលលោកយើងនេះបានឈានមកដល់សម័យកាលថ្មីមួយដែលស្ទើរតែម្នាក់ៗកាន់ទូរស័ព្ទទំនើបផ្ទាល់ខ្លួន។ ការវិវត្តន៏នៃទូរស័ព្ទដៃចាប់តាំងពីទំហំប្រហែលដុំឥដ្ឋមកដល់ទំហំប៉ុនបាតដៃនេះបានធ្វើឲ្យការរស់នៅរបស់មនុស្សវិវត្តទៅតាមនោះដែរ។ និយាយរួមគឺវិវត្តពីមិនចាំបាច់មានទូរស័ព្ទមកកាន់ទូរស័ព្ទដៃរៀងៗខ្លួន។ 

មនុស្សម្នាក់ៗប្រើទូរស័ព្ទក្នុងបំណងផ្សេងៗគ្នា។ ចាស់ៗប្រហែលជាត្រូវការតែស្ដាប់ចំរៀងឬក៏ហៅទូរស័ព្ទទៅគ្នា ប៉ុន្តែចំណែកយុវវ័យសម័យទំនើបនេះ ការប្រើប្រាស់ទូរស័ព្ទអាចនឹងមានគោលបំណងលើសពីនេះ។ ខ្លះប្រើដើម្បីប្រយោជន៏ ឯខ្លះទៀតក៏មិនបានផល។ ខ្លះយកទៅធ្វើរបររកស៊ីរកប្រាក់ចំណេញ ខ្លះយកទៅធ្វើរឿងអាសអាភាស ខ្លះទៀតយកទៅប្រើដើម្បីចំរិតទារប្រាក់គេផងក៏មិនដឹង។ ប៉ុន្តែចំណុចរួមមួយដែលពួកគេមាននោះគឺការប្រាស្រ័យទាក់ទងគ្នាដែលធ្វើឡើងតាមរយះទូរស័ព្ទដៃនោះ។ សម័យនេះគឺគេមានបណ្ដាញសង្គមដែលគ្រប់គ្នានិយមប្រើមួយនោះគឺ Facebook និងប្រព័ន្ធផ្សព្វផ្សាយសង្គមជាច្រើនទៀតដែលបានធ្វើឲ្យឧបសគ្គគមនាគមន៏ដែលមនុស្សលោកធ្លាប់មាននោះរលាយសាបសូន្យ។ 

ការបូកផ្សំគ្នារវាងបច្ចេកវិទ្យានិងទំនាក់ទំនងមនុស្សគឺបានធ្វើឲ្យមនុស្សលោកបានស្គាល់នូវពិភពលោកថ្មីមួយទៀតនៅលើបណ្ដាញអ៊ីនធើណិត។ ហើយផលល្អដែលវាមាននោះគឺ ការផ្សារភ្ជាប់ក៏ជិតស្និទរវាងមនុស្សនឹងមនុស្សបើទោះបើជាពួកគេនៅឆ្ងាយពីគ្នាប៉ុណ្ណាក៏ដោយ។ ការផ្សារភ្ជាប់ដ៏ស្អិតរមួតនេះបានធ្វើឲ្យអ្វីដែលមិនធ្លាប់មានកើតមានឡើង ដូចជាការធ្វើជំនួញតាមអ៊ីនធើណិត ឬក៏ការនិយាយគ្នាឆ្លងទ្វីបតាមរយះវីដេអូ។ ទោះបីជាបច្ចេកវិទ្យាថ្មីនេះបានដោះស្រាយបញ្ហាដែលពិភពលោកធ្លាប់មានបានច្រើនយ៉ាងណាក៏ដោយ ក៏បច្ចេកវិទ្យានេះបានផ្ដល់បញ្ហាមួយថ្មីទៀតទៅកាន់មនុស្សលោក។ ការញៀន។ មនុស្សជាច្រើនបូករួមទាំងខ្ញុំដែរបានសម្រេចចិត្តរស់នៅពិភពលោកមួយទៀតដែលមានតែនៅលើបណ្ដាញអ៊ីនធើណិត។ មួយថ្ងៃៗចំណាយពេលជាច្រើនមើលពិភពលោកតាមរយះអេក្រង់ទូរស័ព្ទហាក់ដូចជាមនុស្សម្នាក់កំពុងតែរស់នៅក្នុងទូរស័ព្ទនោះ។ 

ចំណែកខ្ញុំវិញកាន់តែពិបាកនិយាយ។ ស្រលាញ់គ្នាជាមួយមនុស្សក្នុងទូរស័ព្ទ។ មួយថ្ងៃៗនិយាយគ្នាបានតែតាមសម្លេងដែលចេញពីឧបករណ៏បំពងសម្លេង។ ហើយបើកាន់តែពិបាកនោះគឺ ខ្ញុំក៏គ្រាន់តែជាមនុស្សក្នុងទូរស័ព្ទសម្រាប់ដៃគូរបស់ខ្ញុំដូចគ្នា។ ខ្ញុំគ្មានសិទ្ធនិងសមត្ថភាពនឹងធ្វើអ្វីក្រៅពីផ្ញើសារ ឬសម្លេងនោះទេ។ ហើយបើសិនជាគេមិនចង់តបនោះគឺមានអារម្មណ៏ហាក់ដូចជាជាប់ឃុំនៅក្នុងទូរស័ព្ទនោះអញ្ចឹង! ហើយដោយសារតែមនុស្សមាននៅក្នុងទូរស័ព្ទនេះហើយ ទើបដៃគូនៅក្នុងទូរស័ព្ទរបស់ខ្ញុំក៏នៅតែអាចទាក់ទងជាមួយនឹងមនុស្សក្នុងទូរស័ព្ទផ្សេងទៀតដូចគ្នា។

How to kill the butterflies?

Do you remember when you first started your relationship and you were so excited for any encounter possible? The acid in your stomach? The ones we call “butterflies”? Well, I do. I still have it after being two years and a half into my current relationship. 

But the butterflies aren’t the same. Probably there are other breeds coming along. I think I have 4 kinds of butterflies; pink, red, black, and grey. Pink for excitements, Red for love and sympathy, Black for jealousy, and Grey for insecurity.

After two years and a half, I have all the four. I still have the same excitement whenever we meet. I love you the same. Yet I get jealous a lot. I get so insecure to the fact that I drop everything I’m doing just to keep overthinking.

I thought I could let myself breath a little maybe I can feel better. But maybe I should just enjoy the good little things you do for me? People say do not depend your happiness on someone. But maybe that someone is all I ever need to be happy? I think I’m over attached. But maybe it’s the art of loving someone with all that you have? Maybe the often smile you can put on my face is the most genuine thing I can purely enjoy? Should I kill some of the butterflies? But how?

But when this thought gets a little too far I wish there is a restart button in life. But reality sucks.

Here we go again.