I hope

I wish we didn’t meet.

I wish I didn’t know you.

I wish I didn’t fall.

I wish I knew what was coming.

I wish I were prepared.

I wish I were mature enough.

I wish I knew you better.

I wish we didn’t cross.

I wish you would choose to stay.

I wish you didn’t change just for me but for yourself

I hope you’re happy.

I hope you won’t change.

I hope you stay the better version of you like you promised.

I hope you won’t flirt around.

I hope you won’t cheat.

I hope you won’t do anything stupid again.

I hope you won’t break another heart like mine.

something is gone

i used to believe in true love. rainbow. cupid. sweet things. background music. and all that. i used to believe that he was the one. because what we have been through would be legitimate enough to prove me that he loves me. but who am i to know? maybe i was wrong. maybe it doesnt work like that. maybe while i was thinking that he is committed, his love fades. i used to believe that this relationship is about the other side coming to love us. care. protect. but maybe i was wrong too. i didnt realize that it was about 2 people. to me, when i get into someone, i tend to put all my efforts and commitments. i tend to believe that it would last forever. it tend to believe that no matter what happens, it is still us. never have i thought that my actions everyday would make his love for me fades this much. or maybe it's his definition of love and limitation? i dont know. i didnt know that i could be this dangerous. that dangerous when i thought i was doing well in the relationship and that i made him believe enough that i would not go anywhere and i've settled down for him. maybe it's just a part of nature or maybe it's just that our definitions of love are different?

The End of the Beginning

Hey, it’s been a while and a wild past 2 months.

I’ve made it to the step, which I was always reluctant to take. A step that has been the most adult-est in my life. Taking job as a full time intern, staying out, studying at night, going wild, and being anxious, these have been the most enjoyable yet productive ride.

These past 2 month taught me a lot on how being a human is not only just about staying at home, go to school, and get your heart broken. As a person, you have that ability to actually set how your daily life has to look like. Mine? My intern squad would not leave me a day without all the fun, the jokes, the burns, and the failed joke attempts. My time at school has also been improved. This supposed-to-be-tiring evening class has all the energy to keep most of the sessions entertaining. 

I would say it’s been quite enjoyable beside all the scars inside me that I’ve been trying to deal with. I also found myself fascinated by new places. Just like they say, traveling heals. It would free you from what you've been contained by. I went to two new places in two months. I found myself. Free of from the negativities.

But not all things forever. In 3 week I will be finishing school. In 7 weeks I will be finishing my internship. In these weeks, it also means I will be seeing my friends lesser and lesser.

My eagerness to start the new chapter of life is quite strong too. I can’t wait to see how my post-graduation life would be. But for now, I haven’t figured out yet on what to take.

Why gender?

Ever since I know how to think, I’ve been curious about things that, at least to me, are illogically constructed. I haven’t noted it down, but one thing I know for sure is the social norm. To be specific, the gender role and gender-ization of things.

This world likes to assign gender to almost everything on earth; activities, hobbies, interests, and even look. And I really do not understand that. I mean, why do we have to do that?

            I wasn’t born manly. I am shy. Basically not everything of my features would fit into the category of a “male”. I’m not saying this because I was different. But because I found out that other people are having troubles fitting themselves into the stereotype as well. Because if we don’t act in accordance to the standard, we’re labeled different, weak, and under expectation. I’ve been mocked. Ever since I started school. “Gay” is what people would call on someone like me who has too much feminine hormone inside us. I mean, yes, I can’t meet your standard, but that wouldn’t make me any less of a human. Nor disqualify me from being male.

            Another thing I learnt from this society is that, even hobbies need to be assigned a gender to. I’ve notice how my cousins are taught about gender since they’re 5 when they mocked my brother for watching “My Little Pony”. In this society, boys who play jumping robes, dolls, hair braiding, are viewed as gay. Videogames are only for boys. If a girl plays videogames, be prepared for the surprise they had. And yes, sport. Football is for men.

            If you’re a guy and you did make up, you’re gay. If you’re more fashionable than a basic guy, you’re gay. These things are only for women. Male don’t cry. You’re not a real male if you cry.

            After all, if we all let go of this mindset, imagine how better the world could be. I know it’s hard. But if you’ve read this far, you might understand.

I hate you sometimes

Have you ever got stuck in your own thought, not being able to get out of it then suddenly everything goes blank? Yes, I’m in that condition. It happens lots of time in a day. I don’t even know what to call it. Depress? Less than that. Or it’s just mere sadness. But why does it have to come and haunt me every time. Even small things are enough to remind me of that… There goes another blank moment.

            Understanding what’s going on in my own head is even harder than solving it. It was positive and then suddenly turned negative. Mood swing I guess. Or maybe I’m just too indecisive, too unwilling to even choose a path to walk on. I’m stuck.

            After a year and a half being in a relationship, I am completely another person from who I was. Innocent. Pure. Stupid. I got taught a lot of things. More than I could ever imagine I would be learning. On the bright side, I am a happier person. I became addicted to a person. I discover myself in the world of heart floating around. I am braver now, even more sociable. I get to do things I did not get to when I was single. I get to hang out more rather than staying at home browsing on my computer. I’ve never been treated this good, I would say. I’ve learnt to differentiate about love, passion, desire, and lust.

            But not all things are pink neither bright nor colorful sky with music at the background. I’ve been let down. I’ve been stabbed at the back. I’ve been treated as I have committed a worse crime. Between you and those guys, I don’t know who to blame. I don’t know if I should just start over my life and be carefree again.

            But you got me.

            I’m stuck and blank.

            This article won’t make any sense. But if you have read till this point, thank you.