Why gender?

Ever since I know how to think, I’ve been curious about things that, at least to me, are illogically constructed. I haven’t noted it down, but one thing I know for sure is the social norm. To be specific, the gender role and gender-ization of things.

This world likes to assign gender to almost everything on earth; activities, hobbies, interests, and even look. And I really do not understand that. I mean, why do we have to do that?

            I wasn’t born manly. I am shy. Basically not everything of my features would fit into the category of a “male”. I’m not saying this because I was different. But because I found out that other people are having troubles fitting themselves into the stereotype as well. Because if we don’t act in accordance to the standard, we’re labeled different, weak, and under expectation. I’ve been mocked. Ever since I started school. “Gay” is what people would call on someone like me who has too much feminine hormone inside us. I mean, yes, I can’t meet your standard, but that wouldn’t make me any less of a human. Nor disqualify me from being male.

            Another thing I learnt from this society is that, even hobbies need to be assigned a gender to. I’ve notice how my cousins are taught about gender since they’re 5 when they mocked my brother for watching “My Little Pony”. In this society, boys who play jumping robes, dolls, hair braiding, are viewed as gay. Videogames are only for boys. If a girl plays videogames, be prepared for the surprise they had. And yes, sport. Football is for men.

            If you’re a guy and you did make up, you’re gay. If you’re more fashionable than a basic guy, you’re gay. These things are only for women. Male don’t cry. You’re not a real male if you cry.

            After all, if we all let go of this mindset, imagine how better the world could be. I know it’s hard. But if you’ve read this far, you might understand.

I hate you sometimes

Have you ever got stuck in your own thought, not being able to get out of it then suddenly everything goes blank? Yes, I’m in that condition. It happens lots of time in a day. I don’t even know what to call it. Depress? Less than that. Or it’s just mere sadness. But why does it have to come and haunt me every time. Even small things are enough to remind me of that… There goes another blank moment.

            Understanding what’s going on in my own head is even harder than solving it. It was positive and then suddenly turned negative. Mood swing I guess. Or maybe I’m just too indecisive, too unwilling to even choose a path to walk on. I’m stuck.

            After a year and a half being in a relationship, I am completely another person from who I was. Innocent. Pure. Stupid. I got taught a lot of things. More than I could ever imagine I would be learning. On the bright side, I am a happier person. I became addicted to a person. I discover myself in the world of heart floating around. I am braver now, even more sociable. I get to do things I did not get to when I was single. I get to hang out more rather than staying at home browsing on my computer. I’ve never been treated this good, I would say. I’ve learnt to differentiate about love, passion, desire, and lust.

            But not all things are pink neither bright nor colorful sky with music at the background. I’ve been let down. I’ve been stabbed at the back. I’ve been treated as I have committed a worse crime. Between you and those guys, I don’t know who to blame. I don’t know if I should just start over my life and be carefree again.

            But you got me.

            I’m stuck and blank.

            This article won’t make any sense. But if you have read till this point, thank you.

lessons i've learnt from failing a project

it was not long ago since i last organised a project. i mean, everyone organises projects. but some didn't turn out as expected, while some went beyond the capability. my last one was the former. it's been in my head for quite long that every time i take showers before bed i think of them. the plan, the speakers, especially the guilt for all the external people that involved (if you're reading this, you have my appreciation). i know i'm not a specialised event organiser or anything, but maybe this could make you consider on your next project.

so what i would say where the problems could be seen in are that:

1. the team: 

team spirit is very important. even if it is low, at least you have to keep it going. frequent meeting is crucial and adequate bonds are required. all of them have to be motivated, not just the one who keeps everything in check.

2. sponsor people: 

if your project needs funding to operate/start, then the sponsor seeking people are very important. make sure they have the capability to attract enough sympathy so that the team could work. scheduling your event is also important, as the sponsor must be asked months earlier, make sure that your event won't happen during the peak season as their budget would run low. also make sure that you would be talking to them in the right season, what i mean is that December would be the time they run out of budget. 

3. objective:

topic is another thing you have to concern about. even if it looks very pleasing, very doable to you, it wouldn't look like that in the glance of other eyes. even if the concept you're doing is for social cause, remember if it doesn't benefit them sponsors, dream on. 

4. event day:

the day that you think your event could happen can be very dangerous to you. what you think could be what others think, too. hosting an event in the peak season can be very challenging, thus the possibility of failing is also high. you will need to compete for sponsors, venue, and even participants. 

my experiences, though, were not all that bad. at least i got to make good friends with the people who passionately applied to help us as the organisers and demand nothing when we actually wasted their time. 

A relationship that is not mine

Not long ago, about 4 months ago, my friend introduced his boyfriend to me. It was all perfect back to when they both just started to get to know each other. Being so sweet hearted, I thought they could last much longer than what the reality could take. The fact about any relationship that will not last over a life time and is very constantly unsure (yes, even mine). I know everybody on this planet deserves someone (or two) to accompany them throughout their lives, but it's not the utopian fact that could actually be realised. Accept the truth and carry your very own life on. On and on everyday until you finally know that you're strong on your own foot and not need any dependencies. The storyline of every relationship is very very simple. Up up slow and down. This does not except the one I am talking about. 

Do you remember that 4 months ago you introduced him through our group chat? How in love you were when we asked? How he proposed? Do you remember that you actually got the guy who friend zoned you as your boyfriend? That your senpai became your boyfriend? How he'd pick you up everyday for lunch? Artease? meatball? and other street foods? How perfect he is when you described him to me? How you'd blush just because he texted you?

I hope you do.

Do you remember how you always talked about him to me? His plans, his house, his pasts, his love for pets. Do you remember how you remembered every phrase he told you? 

Yes, I do, too. 

But as time goes by, things you talk about him became less positive. I remember you told me about the fight you guys had and how he apologised. But not for long until you guys fight with no one backing down. 

But oh well, something better left where it started because that thing could not get any better any further because things just could not be solved or talked upon. 

Out of reality

A place to escape the undeniable truth could be simple. They could be found somewhere nearest. A place where you can find others sitting around minding their own business while you can mind your own. They are strangers, yet you feel very comfortable with. Because without their noise, the world is soundless, the world evolve only in your head. You could be sitting with your only self, or with a creature you have been close with, close friend or friends. A coffee shop, yes. I would give a big fat YES. There could also be a bunch of stuffs you like too in term of foods or drinks. Even if it is a bit overpriced, trust me, it could be worth your smile as you get something you like into your stomach. A distraction from the thing you are enduring about. Staying in a cafe would not let you forever escape the reality, but oh well, at least for some times. For some 3 or 4 hours without staying in your room and lay there being down all the moment. Out of reality, you can find yourself being in the middle of everyone. You can actually get yourself out of that thought. You can actually use your time to do other things. I don't know the magic of this place but it works that way for real. Or maybe it is even better if you can drag someone to sit there with you and be silent all the time or have the patience and understanding enough to listen to every mixed up shit you talk out of your mind. It works that way. I found myself spending my time these days at coffee shops. That is the only way to get myself out of the blue. The blue I have when I'm alone. I guess that's it.

A broken soul

Pouring down a glass of cold water in hope to calm the very burning fire inside me. As I sip the coldness into my body, a flicker of reflection appeared. I went out of mind.

The bed I used to sleep in comfortably with a smile, is where I store my tears, where I wake up crying, where I find it hard to even close my eyes, where every sleeping positions cannot make me fall asleep, where I sleep for 3 hours everyday because I overthink.

I used to like foods, too. But not anymore. Or is it because my taste bud changed. I barely taste anything. Even if it looks so pleasing, it becomes tasteless in my mouth. I eat the best I could but it's still small. I can't even get anything more into my stomach.

I'm lost. I couldn't even focus on anything. I went to school just for attendance. I missed deadlines. I don't understand assignments. I ignore my work.

I'm dying inside. I messed things up. In hope it will get better. Waiting for your reply has became my habit. How you treat me affect my mood. If it's good, I can smile. If it's bad, it's what I have written above.

I don't know how to decide. It's a fight between my brain and heart. People are calling me stupid and have already stopped caring about me.

It's been a week. And I hope it will end soon.

That was a year ago.

That was a year ago. A year ago, on this day I did something I would not forget for my entire life. Something that has been at the back of my mind for the whole god damn year. I went out of my comfort zone, jumped on a plane, and ended up in Europe. 

I was leaving for Warsaw for my exchange through Erasmus, one of the most wanted scholarships among Cambodian students. 

As I got ready for my flight, my mom appeared as she was not letting me take this journey. Things got chaotic between me and my mom, even in front of my relatives and friends. I still got to go at the end, though. I landed in Warsaw at midnight and got dropped off at my dorm. I could not sleep. I cried till it was dawn. 

My days in Warsaw were not that great. I was out of mind most of the time thanks to all the feelings I caught thinking of home. I was mostly on phone call even I was walking to school, shopping to settle down, eating, or even sleeping. My mom, my aunt in Paris, my boyfriend, or my friends. I could not eat much either. I did not even feel good about my classmates there or to simplify, European youngsters. (thanks to my stereotype). I was in a terrible homesick that I had breakdowns many times in just a few days.

I ended up in Paris visiting my aunt before school start. I was in Paris for 3 weeks, more than I planned. Things got more chaotic when my mom has my aunt over me. That was when I decided to come back home. All because of the pressure I felt. I lost my motivations. I lost my desires. I need home. My mom wanted me back. I messed things up. The head of my department got involved. Things got messier. I bought the ticket home. That was a year ago. 

That was a year ago. But it's still in my head.

Warsaw City Center. Pictured by me.